My abusive ex loved to say I was “fake”. He was right.
A younger me
I'd love to share a personal story with you today about my relationship to authenticity.
It begins over a decade ago, when I fell into a relationship with someone who sought to have power over me. This relationship shaped so many parts of my life - my nervous system, my body image, my spirit… but today we're going to talk about my relationship to my sense of self.
One of the biggest ways my abuser controlled me was through emotional manipulation and shaming. He fixated on the idea that I had cheated on him. A delusion that grew from suspicion and requests for passwords to malicious accusations, a foreboding feeling of dread in my gut whenever a male classmate would innocently talk to me, and feeling like I was being watched all the time wherever I went. If there was even a *chance* I talked to a guy, that was enough fuel for my ex to accuse me of cheating and therefore scream at me, deprive me of my basic needs, force me into things, ridicule me, etc.
I was already in a box, but these accusations turned it into a cage.
As I had NOT cheated and truly was only in love with him *thanks to codependency and anxious attachment*, I was constantly defending myself, screaming, crying, and self-harming. The stress and pain were profound because no matter how hard I tried to prove I hadn’t done anything, he would never believe me. He would rail against me until he was done, and I would be left trying to recover from the pain of the way he treated me.
But from the outside? Hardly anyone knew.
When I’d be crying on the phone, I’d make up a story to tell my parents why.
When friends saw the self-harm marks, I’d make up a lie about why I did it.
When I was late to class with dark circles under my eyes, I’d slap on a smile and swallow back my tears, apologizing profusely and making excuses.
When I’d hide in the back room at work to answer a call after he tried me 8 times on repeat, I’d beg someone to cover me and hope my boss wouldn’t get mad.
So when it comes down to it, he was right.
I was fake.
I was faking smiles.
I was faking my deep depression by performing well at school.
I was faking being in love through the photos of us I’d post.
I was faking being okay when I was dying inside.
When the relationship was over, I didn’t think I was faking happiness anymore, because all I felt was a relief for a long while. But we don’t heal by running from the past. Eventually. I developed complex PTSD and had the masking returned.
I faked being happy by being successful in college and work.
I faked being happy by being extremely extroverted and partying all the time.
I faked being happy with dating someone who treated me like shit and I pretended it was all good.
I faked a sex drive when I didn’t want to be touched.
I faked being okay when I was drowning in symptoms like paranoia, depression, and debilitating nightmares.
Eventually, it felt like I didn’t know myself at all.
How could I? Those years I was supposed to be forming an identity I spent under the thumb of a boy who saw me as an object to use and treat like absolute shit.
I was too busy putting out fires to find myself.
The recovery journey has led to me discovering who I am, what I love, what I despise, and what I really care about.
It’s led me to see that people pleasing, fawning, and staying busy have all been survival strategies to help me cope.
It’s led me to find ways to speak my truth and connect with people who support me in being my authentic self, even when I’m messy and annoying and imperfect.
Now I'm passionate about the idea of authenticity because it is a concept that encourages me to embrace my whole self.
While I'm not always happy, thriving, and feeling empowered, I don't force myself to pretend that I am. In this way, authenticity makes me feel free.
I created my new course, Coming Home to Yourself as an opportunity for you to do the same.
This is a 5 week group program where we will discover:
what makes you feel safe?
what lights you up?
what stories did trauma give you about who you are?
how can you reclaim the narrative and write your own story?
how can you let others see the real you in a way that feels good?
and so much more…
The group is open for enrollment now until February 7th. We start on Wednesday, February 8th.
