Understanding the Fawn Trauma Response + 4 Ways To Heal It
Have you ever heard of the trauma responses and nervous system states: Fight, Flight, and Freeze?
What about the 4th F, Fawn?
Today I'm going to talk about one of the trauma responses that I believe is not talked about enough, especially for how common it is amongst this community. Let's dive into the fawn response.
What is the fawn response?
The fawn response, like all trauma responses, is a way we learn to get our needs met and stay safe when facing overwhelming and threatening situations. The fawn response involves us appealing to the people or systems that are harming us, in an attempt to lessen or eliminate that harm from happening. Think: people-pleasing, codependency, empathy without boundaries, self-sacrificing, martyrdom. To the most extreme extent, Stockholm Syndrome.
How does the fawn response develop?
While fight/flight can happen in the matter of moments (think, a car pulls out in front of you and your heart starts beating fast, you swerve out of the way, then promptly try to prevent yourself from yelling at the other driver out of rage), the fawn response is a bit more complex. You see, trying to appeal to the other driver who is endangering your life in high speed traffic won't really do anything for you. In moments of high intensity and danger, our bodies know we need to get the heck out of the way, or try to fight it off. Or, if all else fails, our bodies will drop into freeze/shutdown to help us not feel as much pain. The fawn response tends to come along when the harm or threatening situations are ongoing, like in an abusive or neglectful home. It can also be developed when a child sees that their parent's negative emotions have a harmful impact on them or their environment, even if it's not abusive or neglectful.
For example, if your parent or other attachment figure (a close person in your life like a role model, best friend, partner, coach, teacher, etc)…
is unable to regulate their emotions, and tends to take them out on you physically or verbally...
is facing hardship like mental illness, heartbreak, grief, or addiction and is unable to be a consistent supportive figure in your life despite their best efforts...
blames you for their problems...
treats you with love and compassion only when you're able to provide, serve, or be there for them...
responds negatively to your authentic emotions....
you might develop a fawn response to cope and try to find a sense of safety.
The fawn response in action can look like…
caring for other people's needs while sacrificing your own.
walking on eggshells to make sure that you don't upset the other person, knowing that if you do, bad things will happen to you.
trying to get someone who is actively abusing you to love you, thinking that if they love and approve of you, they will stop hurting you.
empathizing with the person harming you to the point where you allow the behavior to continue.
being overly concerned with other people's opinions of you, to the point where you feel like you're masking your authentic self most of the time out of fear.
making excuses for the other person's harmful behavior, brushing it under the rug, and forgiving easily even when you know they haven't changed for the better after the countless chances you've given them.
So… WHY does this happen?
You might be wondering why the fawn response takes root. Why do we try to love our way out of pain and harm? Why can't we “just be strong” and stand up for ourselves when someone is hurting us? Why didn't we leave our abusive partners or families?
This right here is where SO much shame can come from. When I was first understanding the fact that my abusive relationship traumatized me, I had the hardest time getting past the feeling that it was my fault because I "let it happen", I stayed with him even when I knew it was killing me. I didn't understand how the fawn response worked, which is why I'm so passionate about sharing this with you today.
The fawn response is a SURVIVAL STRATEGY.
You might think you weren't in a survival scenario if your family/partner/other attachment figure wasn't outright beating you or threatening your life, or neglecting your basic needs, but to our bodies, all abuse and neglect and harm can feel like a life threat, leading to the development of trauma responses like the fawn response.
Our bodies don't care that it was “just emotional neglect” or “just verbal abuse”.
If it made you feel chronically unsafe, not good enough, or threatened, your brain has to come up with a strategy to try to survive. And for many of us, that strategy is fawning. We try to make our parent/partner/abuser/boss/whoever love us not because we're stupid or worthy of the abuse (I hear this all the time). We try to make them love us because we think, if someone loves me and approves of me, then they will stop screaming at me, hurting me, neglecting me, using me. They will treat me kindly, with love and respect, and I can be safe again.
The unfortunate thing about the fawn response, is while it absolutely helps us stay alive and potentially avoid some harm, it can also lead to a lot of problems later on.
Many people who learned the fawn response in order to try to stay safe will have a hard time…
speaking up for themselves.
making boundaries.
trusting themselves.
not settling for people who give them crumbs of love and affection.
noticing red flags in relationships.
sensing their authentic needs and emotions, validating them, and expressing them to others.
If you're reading this and you're like DING DING DING, that's mee!!!!!
Please know that you are not alone. This is my story, too.
In the past 6 years since I finally broke the cycle of abusive and dysfunctional relationships, I've had to learn from the ground up how to communicate my needs, trust myself, stop blaming myself for anything bad that happens at work or in my relationships, make boundaries, and stop compulsively caretaking other people while neglecting myself.
All of this is possible for you too. Most, if not all, of my clients have used the fawn response at one point to survive. It is so common and nothing to be ashamed of.
So how do we heal the fawn response?
Self-compassion: Stop beating yourself up for developing the fawn response and blaming yourself for the trauma you've been through, and start honoring the fact that you found a way to survive through some terrifying circumstances. You never deserved to be harmed, even if you were fawning to the person doing it.
Connect with yourself: Start getting in tune with your own authentic needs and emotions. The fawn response involves a lot of turning AWAY from ourselves and turning toward other people. Healing involves beginning to tune in and pay attention to yourself. You can do this through 1:1 healing work like coaching or therapy, mediation, journaling, movement practices, creative practices, and more!
Pay attention to your body: Start noticing what happens in your body when you feel like someone is upset. Do you feel tight in your chest or stomach, a lump in your throat, get sweaty or shaky? Do thoughts start popping in about how it's probably your fault or you need to immediately find a way to fix the problem? Start growing your awareness over the ways you've learned that it's not safe for other people to be upset, especially if they could be upset with you. Then work on tending to yourself and the fear that these interactions can bring up.
Practice being yourself: Start asserting yourself, making boundaries, and speaking your truth. And realize it is totally okay if this takes time to implement. You can start super small with this. You can start by not saying "I'm good" when you're not. You can start by making tiny asks like "is it okay if we don't watch this show tonight, I actually feel like doing this other thing instead". Start letting people see your true self in small doses, and allow yourself to receive love, care, and appreciation for who you are- not just what you can give to other people.
This is obviously a short and simple way to look at healing the fawn response.
If you're ready to dive into UN-learning this response, start asserting yourself, make boundaries, and stop feeling like a doormat for people to walk all over, I would love to help.
My course, Blooming Relationships, walks you through exactly how to create safe and supportive relationships after trauma - whether you're a fighter, flighter, freezer, or fawner (or a fun combo of all of them)! Over 400 students have taken this course, and I'm so proud of the results folks have seen.
Click here to learn more about Blooming Relationships.
Curious if trauma has impacted your current relationships?
Learn more about how trauma can impact our ability to trust, communicate, make boundaries, and tell the difference between red flags and triggers in my FREE Empowered Relationships Assessment. Click here to grab your free assessment!