How My Relationship Changed When I Learned To Embrace My Truth As A Trauma Survivor

Today I wanted to share some of my personal experiences with transforming my relationships as a trauma survivor. 

How it Started:

When I first met my Luke (my now fiancé), I was barely keeping afloat in a pool of shame.

Things were easy enough in our relationship at first. Because I knew how to perform. My strategy for relationships up until that point was simple: be whoever they wanted me to be and achieve any amount of love and affection I could.  

So when I met Luke, I leaned on that strategy. He liked beer? Me too. He seemed chill and laid back? Oh big same. I would take at least 2 shots before every date, needing to intoxicate myself enough to cope with the anxiety of getting to know someone. 

Be myself? Ummmmm… I didn't even really know what that meant.

So that strategy of being a chameleon served me for a time. I was charming, fun, easy to get along with. We saw each other a couple times a week instead of merging our lives together like I had done with everyone else I dated in the past. That was weird. But not unpleasant. At this point, I desperately didn't want to repeat the cycle of trauma I had learned from my past relationships.

But one thing about that slowness was… it left me with space. And in that space, the high of my performance (and literal high of weed and booze) would fade away, and I'd be left with myself and the weight of the past 6 years of trauma and dysfunction I experienced in relationships. Because at this point, I hadn't taken ANY time to heal from the abusive relationship I was a part of in high school or the one I had in college that was also incredibly toxic. 

So without being able to merge into Luke's life, and cPTSD growing to a fever pitch, I was left to face myself. In silence. In isolation. In an hour of therapy every other week, yes. But mostly alone.

I was living a double life. In one, I was fun, wild, charming, and charasmatic.

In the other, I was drowning in shame that told me I was a f*cked up mess of a person who surely didn't deserve to be with such a genuinely kind, good guy.

And that shame I felt only confirmed my decision to continue to perform. I didn't tell Luke much about me. Sure, he knew what degree I got and what I liked to do for fun. But he didn’t really know what took up the majority of my mental space. But more than that, I didn't show him much of how I really felt. Besides a couple moments of being forced to say something when I was triggered, Luke didn't really know all that much about the real me, the struggles I faced, the past I lived with in my body. In fact, I didn't really let him see these parts of me for YEARS. 

What changed:

Over the course of the next 3 years, I finally learned how to show Luke, as well as the closest people in my life, some of the reality of what I was going through. I realized that I wasn't going to be able to just “fix myself” in therapy without anyone ever knowing what I was going through.

When I finally learned about the reality of trauma: how it impacts our brain, body, and relationships, I finally had language to help describe my experience. I could tell Luke about how physical touch was often scary and anxiety-provoking for me, even though I loved him, instead of just cringing away without an explanation. I could make clear boundaries over communication and make sure we were on the same page for how often we'd plan to talk each day, I could simply be HONEST when I was having a bad day and  *gasp* even ask for support! 

All of this happened when I got the support I needed to see that trauma isn't a personal failure, and it's something I could learn to accommodate in my relationship instead of pretending it didn't exist.

Instead of the fragmented connection I felt when I was my “good, cool, charming self”, I got to experience what it was like to actually be SEEN by the person I was romantically involved with. The person I loved who loved me too. I don't often talk about how much that deepened my experience of love for him, but it did. The incredible feeling of safety and connection arose when I was finally able to express myself instead of just the masks I'd learned to wear.

This story is a huge reason I created my course, Blooming Relationships.

Because while i felt all alone back then, I know for a FACT that I wasn't now.  So many of us suffer in silence or revert back to unhealthy relationships because we simply don't have the tools, resources, and support we need.

That's why I made this:

Blooming Relationships Course

This 6 module course was designed to give you a step-by-step road map to creating relationships that work for you and support your healing, instead of trying to contort yourself into a “fully healed” “normal” person in order to have successful connections to others. I’ve taken my past experiences as a trauma survivor navigating interpersonal relationships, as well as my training as a trauma-informed coach, and created this offering to help you thrive in relationships after trauma.

BRC is open for enrollment now until May 3rd. 

Click here to read all the details and sign up for the course!