How Trust Issues Keep You Safe
Do you have a hard time with trust due to past trauma? Whenever I ask my audience what the hardest part about relationships after trauma is for them, so many folks say trust. So in this post I wanted to expand on this topic, because it impacts SO many people.
Ways trust issues can manifest in relationships after trauma:
Doubting your partner's or friend's intentions.
Struggling to let someone in.
Constantly feeling suspicious or afraid.
Feeling like you don't believe your partner, even when you know they aren't lying.
Feeling guilty for not being able to trust your partner.
Feeling numb or closed off.
Feeling lonely or isolated.
Relate? You aren't alone. Not even close.
So what do we do about it?
Well, the first thing I like to do when tackling things I'm struggling with is bringing some awareness to the situation.
First step: acknowledging you might have some issues with trust. Done.
Next step: bringing awareness as to WHY these trust issues might have shown up and how they have served you.
Having a hard time seeing how trust issues could possibly serve you, when it's causing you so much pain? Let me explain…
If you’ve gone through something traumatic, trust issues make so. much. sense.
They’re another way your body is trying to keep you safe from getting hurt again.
Our bodies are ALWAYS prioritizing our safety above all else. Our SURVIVAL. So, trust issues really make sense when you look at it this way:
Trusting people isn't always safe.
If you've been abused, betrayed, or otherwise deeply hurt by a breech in trust, your body might be correlating trusting others with being deeply hurt, or even traumatized. So OF COURSE it's going to be hard to trust others, if to your body trust=danger.
It's important to realize how we might demonize or shame ourselves for having trust issues. How we might call ourselves “crazy” or “cold”, and how those judgements are just further harming us. BOOOOOO, shame.
Soooo… what’s next?
Great question. So we've got awareness around the fact that we have trust issues, and the reality that our trust issues have been in service of keeping us safe. Got it.
Nowwww, let's bring in some self-compassion, gratitude, or acceptance.
Like I said before, it's easy for shame to come up around trust issues. So we need to nurture ourselves with something that is in sharp contrast to shame.
I invite you to think about how your difficulty trusting others has led you to both pain AND survival. That you are still alive today is a testament to your survival skills. Is one of those skills not being able to trust other people easily? Yes!
Stop seeing your trust issues as something WRONG with you. but rather something that has served you in the past, but you want to let go of now. A tool, a technique, a skill - NOT a character trait. Something you don't need anymore.
When we externalize the parts about us that aren't really “us”, it makes it easier to let them go, or imagine a new way of being.
Say Thank You To Your Trust Issues
I invite you to say “THANK YOU” to yourself/your body/inner child for being smart enough to create trust issues as a way of coping with pain. Then, remind yourself of your current reality (I’m assuming it's different). That you're safe now. That it's okay to trust. That you can take your time.
It might sound like this:
“Thank you, body, for figuring out a way to keep me safe by keeping me distanced from other people. In the past, other people I trusted really hurt me, and although sometimes I forget, you never do. I really appreciate you looking out for me. But, the good news is, we're safe now!! It's okay to trust [person's name here] because they've shown me they're safe in the following ways [recall some reasons you can trust someone here]. If it takes a while for you to realize it's safe to trust again, that's okay. I'll keep reminding you. Thank you for keeping me safe <3.”
Safety is everything:
When it comes down to it, we need to feel safe in order to trust. If your body never feels safe, due to real external threats or memories of them in the form of trauma, it might be very difficult for you to trust others. I invite you to focus on safety before you focus on trying to open up to others or progress trust in a new relationship.
It's okay if trust takes time. There is no need to rush.
Take care of your safety, and trust will grow over time, I promise.
